Several months ago, my 9 year-old son asked if he could borrow the family iPad. He had just returned from a school field trip to a local history museum and was curious to know how much fox pelts go for on Amazon these days (Ha!). I monitore my kids’ screen time and activity closely (15-20 minutes at a time, always in the living room), but on this particular day, I had some guests coming to the house for some friends’ going-away party, and I was more distracted getting stuff prepared for that.

About 45 minutes later, it dawned on me I hadn’t heard from or seen my boy in awhile. My daughter who’d been helping me, hadn’t either. I dropped what I was doing, walked toward the stairs leading to his bedroom on the next level–called for him, but decided to head to his room anyway. I needed the iPad to play music from for the party anyway.

When I walked into his bedroom, my son sat on the edge of his bed pensively while the iPad lay face-down on the floor, across the room. I walked over to pick it up.

“Are you OK, buddy?” I asked while picking it up.

“Yeah…uh, can I see the iPad?” he asked with a hint of urgency.

Nope. Definitely not after hearing that tone in his voice. I opened the device and headed straight for the Safari browser. Maybe because I’m a male, my instinctive hunch was right on. The screen instantly filled with Googled images of flesh. Shimmery, mostly cartoonish, topless females. My heart sank, but kept my demeanor objective.

Impulsively, I closed out of the search page. “Can you tell me about this, buddy?”

My son’s eyes looked up into mine with shame I’d never seen from him before and seemed to plea for mercy.

“Some kids were saying this word at school today, and I didn’t know what it was.” He said, lip quivering. “I’m a terrible person.”

My kids attend a small, private Christian school and at the time, he was finishing up third grade. But in 2016, that’s largely irrelevant. My son’s news didn’t really even surprise me, in spite of his sociocultural school environment. I think this, along with the Spirit’s counsel, kept me calm.

“You’re not a terrible person, buddy.” I sat on his bed so I could affirm him at eye level. As timing would have it, guests started knocking on the front door minutes into our discussion. In that short conversation (which we picked up later), we talked about natural curiosity, and also how that curiosity takes us to places that ultimately don’t feel good. Which is why he felt like a terrible person, even though he’d never been taught that.

As crushing as it was to know that my son had exposed himself to that kind of perversion years before I had anticipated or (of course) preferred, I’m grateful that I caught it early, and in my house. He needed to not feel shamed by what he’d done. He needed to know that he is still loved and delighted in, in spite of the ugly things he’d experienced (and will surely experience in other capacities later). He needed an opportunity to know that he could be truthful with me and feel safety in his honesty. He needed to experience the consequences and impact his decisions would have on himself and others.

It was also good for me. To my fault, I had been lax on keeping a filter on the iPad. It had crossed my mind earlier, but I hadn’t seriously considered my children would come across anything explicit–much less deliberately seek it out. Not atypically for me, lesson learned, the hard way.

On top of that: Despite all of my knowledge on the grossness and devastating effects of porn, I’m not sure anything has turned me off to it more than knowing that, if I were to errantly and selfishly look it up myself, I could be coming across the exact same images my son had been subjected to. It’s the same feeling I have when I stare (and stare) at an attractive woman at the mall, and then look around and see other men in the vicinity also visually soaking in the same woman, at the same time. Wow, does that make me feel disgusting.

“Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)

This verse gets overused and taken out of context in my generation, as parents use it to joke about making sure our kids delve into the same hobbies, sports teams or character traits as we’ve subscribed to. I admit, it’s easy to get lazy as I train up my kids. Part of me sees how good they are now (“At least, they’re not horribly misbehaved…”) and I’m tempted to stay on autopilot.

Maybe somewhat obviously, I realize and understand the importance of training them in speech and action–living out the fruits of the spirit (Gal. 5:22-23) so that they can see and hear examples of Christ’s work and character. But more convicting to me through this, is how I (and every parent) chooses to operate when my/our kids aren’t directly in our presence.

How I spend my time. What I do. What I’m allowing to consume my mind and heart. How my consumption of evil things affects my spirit. And though scripture mentions only one time where evil spirits transferred from one living creature to another (Matt. 8:28-34), if I don’t resist the devil, he’s not going to flee from me (James 4:7).

And if he’s not fleeing from me, he’s around me. Consequently, I’m then not protecting my children. It’s a crass example, but painfully true (and hopefully helpful): it’s a sobering thought to think that the hands of a parent who masturbates out of lust are also the hands his/her child reaches out for, as a source of security, intimacy and solidarity. That’s hardly protective. And it’s incredibly…icky.

Father, you are faithful. You delight in our children more than any parent possibly could. Thank you for your mercy over us when we fail to keep our resistance up. Thank you for your grace that allows us the ability to resist in the first place. Please give us wisdom to teach our children with eternal truth and hope and surrender always in mind. To always demonstrate purity to our children and choose pure hearts even when we’re away from them. Keep our hearts flesh and never stony and careless (Ezekiel 36:26).