divorce

There’s Purpose in Now

The night’s getting late, so I don’t have time to beat around the bush with this very random mid-summer thought: winters in the midwest are rough. Especially the past several in Northern Indiana. It kind of makes my stomach turn even writing about this right now–in late July–with crickets chirping and fireflies glowing outside my office window.

There’s obviously nothing that can be done about the weather, so it’s fruitless and wasteful of time/energy to gripe about it. But this year was pretty miserable. What made it most…traumatic…was not so much the degree of cold and gloom, but the longevity of cold and gloom. By February, anyone breathing and feeling in the local population I reside is generally over it and ready for warmth and longer days with sun involved.

So when snow is falling down and piling up en masse throughout March and April, the pain cycle is very much in effect: Immobilization turns into denial. Denial becomes anger. Anger into depression. Some people never even get to acceptance…and move to Texas (Hi Mom and Dad).

For example, in late March, amidst mountains of snow in the parking lots throughout my hometown, below freezing temperatures, and a barrage of school and office closings, scores of high school and college students will return from their spring break trips in heavenly Key West, Cancun, San Diego, etc. Hit the mall some Saturday afternoon during this time of year and you’ll know spring break had just wrapped because it’s a walking sea of sun-kissed skin, beach-bleached hair and shorts-wearing. A PacSun with skinny, teen legs.

Oh, did you catch the ‘shorts-wearing’ thing?

Thirteen degrees outside with snowflakes the size of throw pillows, falling sideways from the Oh-I’m-going-to-lose-my-face freezing wind.

The situation is this: these kids–understandably–have just experienced a glorious climate for five to seven days somewhere not in Indiana and they’re now ready to experience a glorious climate back home. So they dress that way. Even in a markedly un-glorious season, where short-wearing outside the home or gym is nothing but physiologically regrettable.

When I watched this spectacle most recently, I thought: No matter how badly these kids want Northern Indiana to be warm, dressing for ‘warm’ wasn’t going to make Spring come any faster. They could wear short-sleeves all day in attempts to will the next season into existence, but until the current season’s over, they are only going to be miserable.

The concept of “seasons” has been particularly important for me to understand, identify and accept over the past few years. I’m learning to accept and respect the famous verse in Ecclesiastes about seasons and how they are all made beautiful in their own time. Not mine. Not anyone’s.

Over the past few years, I’ve sat in a couple of very painful seasons where I’ve had to live through hurt I’ve caused others (most notably to the extent of it ultimately leading to a very painful divorce), the hurt I’ve had placed on me, tremendous loss, loneliness, sadness, shame and guilt. I’ve wanted to do anything and everything to get out of those unpalatable places.

And I certainly tried. I hoped for and pursued more-than-platonic relationships with women; I tried keeping myself super busy (distracted?) with friends and activities; I poured myself into work and expected the fruit of a healthy income to pacify my voids. But I’d get into those things and realize–not only are they not giving me what (I think) I want, but they’re actually slowing me down from getting to the place my heart longs to be.

Not unlike the shorts-wearing kids in the mall, just because I was doing certain things to push a season along, those things didn’t force the next season to arrive any sooner.

In his book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Peter Scazzero writes:

I prefer the notions of seasons to stages when describing our life in Christ. We don’t control the seasons; they happen to us. Winter, spring, summer, and fall come to us whether we like it or not.

I tend to believe that the season I am currently in is a product of the season I came out of. And the season I am heading into (at some point) will be the product of the events — good, bad or otherwise — happening in the present. And though my decisions can sometimes affect the timing of my personal seasons, God’s best timing really is up to him (Act 1:7).

**As stated earlier and maybe a caveat to what Scazerro says above, I do believe if I can do things to slow down the process, when I’m living by my own desires/perceived needs and getting off the path that really would get me to where God wants me to go more directly. This is also why I’ve come to believe everything happens for a purpose–for what it was created to do or be. There are tons of things I do daily that are not purposeful, but a choice.**

This blog is named A Salient Season because one of the most critical things I’ve learned (especially over the past couple of years) is the importance of knowing there is purpose and value in every season of our lives. Salient means “notable, crucial, important, essential, vital, pivotal” and if we see the current place that we’re in as those things–preparation for our NEXT place–it’s a lot easier to not only take this time more seriously and intentionally.

And relax.

I’ve mentioned James 1:4 in previous posts because it’s a remarkably refreshing and inspiring promise to me: “Let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing. (AMP)”

Patience isn’t exactly a great time when we’re ready to move out of an undesirable situation; but to know that a loving God who delights in us far more than we delight in ourselves is making things beautiful in his time (not ours) should be at least somewhat soothing. Especially when we look at it the way I just did.

Who knows what the next season looks like. It could be warm, cozy and sunny. Or it could be an even worse storm. Either way, what we are doing with what we have and where we are now is preparing us for where we’re going, later. And I have to believe (after trying and coming up short on a variety of other alternatives) that our decision to endure, trust, hope (I Cor. 13:7), pray, serve and wait now — without a self-mandated timeframe — will adequately (fully) prepare us for whatever lies ahead.

 

Pitching a way out of it

I’m not the sports guy I used to be, but I try to keep somewhat clued in on what my childhood team the Chicago Cubs are up to, when I think about it.

A story from the Cubs camp that has caught a lot of attentional nationally this past week has been the team’s ace pitcher (and former ND football star) Jeff Samardjzia. The dude has thrown close to perfectly from the mound and has THE best statistics of any pitcher in Major League Baseball. He’s been nearly flawless. And up until yesterday, he hadn’t won once in the past 16 games he started.

Yesterday, he broke a record-breaking streak of seven straight starts with a loss by finally recording a win. This streak started way back in 2013. When people were Facebooking about Miley Cyrus, listening to “Blurred Lines” everywhere and predicting that  Anchorman 2 would be awesome (it wasn’t).

It had to be SO frustrating for Jeff to come off the mound after pitching so well and doing the best he could for his team and for himself and then watch his team basically make his work irrelevant by blowing the game. He was the best pitcher in the league and had zero wins to show for it. That changed yesterday when they beat the Giants 8-4. His first victory in 17 games as a starting pitcher. Last week, in the midst of his 16th straight win-less game, a former teammate of Jeff’s said this about a conversation the two had earlier:

“I told him: ‘It doesn’t matter, dude You play in Chicago. I was there and I lost 30 wins in three seasons. So it’s not your fault. Just pitch your way out of it…Keep your eyes focused. Keep your eyes straight ahead and just pitch. There’s nothing else you can do.”

Jeff could mope and moan and knock over Gatorade coolers in the locker room over his team not only letting him down by losing, but really, making him look bad. I mean, there are now records no one wants attached to this guy for losing so much. And the truth is, whether it was public or privately, he probably did do all of those things. He’s a naturally-competitive, professional-athlete human male with a spotlight on him.

But I’m struck by his former teammates advice, as simple as it was: Yeah, it’s a really crappy situation. And by now, you should be well past the point of being surprised by how crappy this is, because it’s gone on for so long and nothing major has changed–you’re still pitching alongside the same teammates. There’s nothing you can do about what your team is doing. But there’s absolutely something that you can do, and that’s concentrate on doing the best you can with what you have. And what you have is, clearly, a lot of talent. Don’t look around at the mess around you. Don’t listen to the people reminding you of your winlessness. Don’t blame the universe for putting you in this situation (because, ultimately YOU put yourself in this situation by joining the team…an entirely different point).  Just stay on your path.

To me, the redemption with Jeff Samardzjia here isn’t that he finally won his first game yesterday and broke his streak. Remember, he’s still 1-16 and 1-4 for this season. Far from great.

The redemption is found in (if) he has taken up his friend’s advice and truly made the decision to stay the course and do the best he could, regardless of what was happening in the world around him. Because he’ll get through this and he’ll get through it as one the best pitchers in baseball.

As one who’s gone through a painful divorce and prays and hopes for a restored marriage with my former wife, I can identify with Samardzjia’s journey of loss:

It’s a crappy situation of tremendous loss, rejection and disorder. And by now–several years later–it should be no surprise that this situation is what it is because nothing’s really changed. Same former spouse. Same emotional distance and complete lack of communication about the situation on her end. There’s nothing that I can do to effectively change her mind.

But what I do have is hope (Romans 5:5). And increased wisdom (James 1:5). And faith that what God once joined together, He would love to see restored (Mark 10:9, Joel 2:23-25). So my best option is not to blame the elements: God, my wife, others who influence my wife. My best option is not to throw my hands up and give up on the whole deal because things just aren’t going the way I’m working so hard for them to go.

My best option is to “pitch my way out of it” and make constant decisions to do my best with what I have. And to keep getting better, regardless of what’s happening around me. To love stronger, even if it feels like I’m heading for another loss of some kind. To trust that staying on this path will increase my faith to the point that I’m not…claiming…God’s promises; I live like I already have them. Because I do.

To keep walking straight. Like Christ did, on his way to the cross. Never distracted. Never thrown off course.

Jeff Samardjzia knew he wouldn’t be in this position forever. He just needed to pitch and believe his team will turn around eventually…or he’ll get traded. There’s nothing else he could do.

I know I won’t be in this position forever. I just need to faithfully stay on my path and believe God’s doing a work in my heart and the hearts of people around me. There’s nothing else I can do.