gossip

Temptation: The choice to make life easier (or harder) on/for ourselves

“…’You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing…The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods.” – Psalm 16:2,4

I needed to run into a department store to pick up…I don’t even remember what it was, now….but it doesn’t matter, anyway. It was going to be a quick stop, so as I pulled into my parking space, I asked my two kids if they wanted to join me or wait in the car. My daughter, Evelyn opted to stay in the car. “Really?” my 10 year-old son Alex challenged. “They have toys in there.” Without missing a beat: “I know,” Evelyn responded. “And I don’t need that kind of temptation right now.”

Try to not chuckle out loud as a parent overhearing your seven year-old talk so unwittingly big…and mature.

In that moment, at least.

Her short life experience has taught her that putting herself in an environment that will spark her cravings–perhaps cravings that didn’t even exist in her mind minutes earlier–and not seeing them fulfilled, will result in little more than disappointment. Disappointment that also didn’t exist prior to walking into the situation. She doesn’t have money for anything, and she knows, in our family, just because you want a toy or whatever, that doesn’t mean you just get it.

So, in her wise-beyond-her years elementary school logic, why even bother making life harder on herself? My son, on the other hand? Yeah, like most kids his age, he seems to be in a constant cycle of lust-turned to hope-turned to emotional-wreckage due to the willful exposure to things he suddenly can’t live without…only to find out he’s going to have to find away to live without them. At least until he saves up enough money to purchase that item on his own.

Admittedly, my son comes by this tendency right. Whether he even knows it or not at this point in his life, he’s a lot like his father.

I’ve spent way too much of my adult life facing the painful back end of a choice I thought would bring me some kind of pleasure. Some more dismal than others.

*There’s the moment I craved a certain article of clothing that I didn’t need but thought would make me look cool. I went to the store, spent more money than I really should have on it, was embarrassingly late to an important meeting due to a slow checkout line, and ultimately realized the clothing was cheaply made and I ruined it after one wear.

*There’s the moment I succumbed to the urge to make myself look good by making a work colleague look not-so-good and shared some confidential and personal information I’d learned to a group of other industry peers over a late-night dinner conversation. Only to spend several days later feeling sick to my stomach because I’d broken confidence, potentially altered others’ opinion about this person on my account, and feared that information getting back to the person who shared it. Not to mention, does anyone ever really walk away from someone who just gossiped and like and/or trust that person more than they did before the gossip?

*There’s the moment–as a married man–I decided I wanted to win over a hurting, female co-worker (whom I also found attractive), and stopped by the coffee shop on the way to work one morning to get her favorite coffee as a self-indulgent act of chivalry. Only to open the door to what would be an extramarital relationship that would break apart my marriage to eventual divorce and cost me the job that I very much enjoyed three months later.

…And there have been countless other instances where I walked through a door with flashing warning signs all over it (some, the same door over and over) thinking it’d make my life better…this time; but only result in a deeper hurt, sadness, guilt and shame than the heart-emptiness I tried to fill ever was. When I thought I needed to put someone who was annoying me in their place; when I drove over to a single woman’s house late at night for a drink and “to just hang out;” when I spent most of my time at a gathering of my friends or family ignoring them (especially my own kids…ugh) as I incessantly tried to manufacture the perfect social media post to proclaim how awesome I was for doing something awesome.

This isn’t an airing of my wrongs for the sake of self-condemnation. Anyone reading this can relate to one+ of these examples. And that’s why I articulate them here, because we’re all running after other gods and as the lead verse promises, sorrow (synonyms: regret, heartache, grief, sadness, trouble) will increase to those who choose that course.

I’m naturally a person who tends to put the weight of the world on my shoulders. When I’m living out of my flesh, I beat myself up a lot and expect that life isn’t going to go my way. In my spirit, I also deal with a sadness over the sinfulness of the world and how out of order, chaotic and distant people, societies, and belief systems are from how the Father intended them to be. That’s why I pay attention to the word “increase” in Psalm 16:4. I’m already dealing with some sorrow…some sadness. We all are. By running to another god in the pursuit of eliminating that sorrow, I’m doing the exact opposite. Maybe only burying it for awhile, but eventually, that sorrow’s going to burst out in tragic proportions.

In that same passage in Psalm, King David goes on to assert in verse 11, “You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand (NIV).” From what I know about David in scripture, I have to think this is self-talk as much as it is praise. A reminder to himself that it’s God’s job to take care of his/our pleasure.

Conversely, Satan couldn’t care less about our longings for wholeness and fulfillment, but isn’t going to stop tempting us to compromise–both spiritually and sexually–until our sorrows have wrecked our lives, and often the lives around us.

So how do we kill the idols that threaten to make life only harder for us? Honestly, I’m still working that out. Thankfully, though, there’s limitless scripture to guide me in that work. I start with choosing to belief to the best of my ability that I Corintians 10:13 is true:

“God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”

Then, praying–literally–Psalm 139:23-24:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there’s is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” 

If I/we mean it, this can be an incredibly risky prayer for us(!!) Because our hearts in their nature are pretty filthy…and there are tons of offensive elements about us that–when put before a sinless, stainless, mighty God of the universe–are surely cringingly gross in comparison. This same God delights in us, though, so in our gnarliest state (“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1 NIV), we can still come to him and ask for his help to unpack our mess, bring it all into the light via confession, and then repent of it.

In the Bible, Peter says, God “resists the proud but gives grace to the humble (1 Peter 5:5 NKJV).” When I’m stuck in my self-satisfied pride, I’m not seeking his strength. If I think I’m going to overcome any flaws of my heart on my own, I’m kidding myself, hardcore.

Author Elyse Fitzpatrick wrote: “Humble confession is the door that opens streams of grace to me. I know He’ll give me His help when I bow before Him, confessing that I’m hopeless and helpless without it.”

Augustine said: “He who conceals his [sin] will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion. Confession shuts the mouth of hell and opens the gates of paradise.”

I’ve learned that confession is only going to benefit me if I’m specific about what it is I’m confessing. I can say I’m an open book all day, but wow will my pride lock me up when it comes to putting the details of my folly on display in front of even my most trusted and loving confidants. My tendency is to go into details of what happened in the acted-out behavior, but truly, confession is also in spilling the dirt about my motives, desires and thoughts that drove me to the action in the first place.

I admit, I don’t often hate my sin. In fact, a lot of times, I really like like my sin. Which is why the truth that comes out of a Psalm 139 prayer is so essential. As I’ve learned to get more honest with God (and myself), my prayers have changed from “Lord, I want to change,” to “Lord, I want to want to change.” I want the desire to fight it. And often, unless I’m completely in a situation where I’m screwed, that desire’s absent. Because, again, I don’t want to honor the Lord like I say I do. So I prayer becomes one of wanting to want to honor Him.

It’s amazing that God can love us enough to absorb not only our sin, but our lack of discipline at times to turn from it. Not only love us, but work with us and not leave us on our own to figure it out—or not figure it out. And beyond that, work with us to resist getting to those points of temptation in the first place. Which is why, as I grow older and slowly gain more understanding of who (and how and why) God is, verses like Matthew 11:28-30 carry so much more meaning for me than they ever did growing up:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Intro to Business-Minding

“Can we talk?”

“Call me when you get a minute.”

“I need to chat with you about something.”

It’s probably the case in countless forms of relationships, but in my particular industry–where people talk…a lot–if you want to get someone’s heart rate up to P90X levels immediately, you send them a text or an email with one of those lines above.

If it’s a mystery why receiving an ambiguous message like, “We need to talk” from anyone your in relatively close association with is even slightly stomach-turning, 1) I wish I was you; and 2) this particular post might hold little relevance to you.

But I have to believe 95…97% of humans in modern western society can attest that the impulse evaluation that runs through our heads upon reception of that message (after “Crap.”) is: “What did I say?”and “Who did I say it to?”

I tend to default to a guilty conscience in these situations. Why? Because I know my heart. And my heart is deceitful above all things and it convinces me more than I’d like to admit that talking about so-and-so’s job loss or revolting breath will serve beneficial to me.

A couple of days ago, a good friend of mine had a great dialogue where some super-healthy confrontation (I Cor. 13:6-7) and confession (James 1:9) was involved. I shared with him an observation that there comes a point in almost every conversation where someone’s name is brought up in the form of some kind of judgement. Sometimes passive observation. Sometimes fairly harsh judgement. But what I realized over time is that: A) I didn’t like the way I felt about myself after those conversations; and B) I felt unsafe being 100% transparent and myself with him because, if we’re talking about everyone else, what’s stopping him from talking about me to others (and vice versa)?

I often share with others that no one ever walks away from a gossip feeling good. No one walks away from a person who’s spreading poison about someone else (and if it’s any content that shed anything but positive light on the person being discussed–especially when they’re not present in the conversation–it IS poison), and thinks “I’m really encouraged by that conversation.”

I had a revelation that my motive for habitually bringing up other’s business with my friend ultimately came down to this: I didn’t feel like I had anything else of value to bring to the table for him. I lacked the creativity, the gumption, the thoughtfulness to offer seed into the relationship that could grow good fruit.

There’s a 3×5 note card on my desk that outlines some of my favorite scripture, 1 Thessalonians 4:9-12:

Love one another.
Aspire to lead a quiet life.
Mind my own business.
Work with my own hands.
This leads me to lack nothing!

The charge? Love each other.

The tactics involved? Live quietly and peacefully. Mind my own business. Deal with my own work, with my own hands.

The result? I’ve got all of what I need. No lack of self-worth. No lack of a sense of approval/desirability. No lack of clarity. No lack of purpose–in conversation, in direction, in relationship.

I read this note card at my desk every day and often think through these objectives. And still, I sometimes fall into the slippery slope of unlovingly not minding my own business that plays, I think, a significant role in slowly eroding a relationship that leaves much to be desired over time.

It was such a relief to have that conversation with my friend; getting it out into the open and growing with him rather than staying stagnant, or worse, kind of decaying.

***There’s lots I want to say about aspiring to lead a quiet life. For instance, how social media is often essentially the opposite of this aspiration. But that’s a big rabbit trail that deserves it’s own highway/post.***

Another friend of mine who’s a writer has a great tendency to explore words and dig deeper into their definitions, so I suppose that habit is rubbing off on me because I wanted to look up the actual definition of “minding my own business.” Particularly, the word “mind”:

Mind: to regard as important; to feel concern about; be obedient to

Minding my own business is to be obedient to MY business. To feel concern about MY business. To regard MY OWN business as important.

When I’m not being obedient to my own business because I’m being obedient (a slave?) to someone else’s business, things get…out of control. And when I’m out of control, that’s why I get nervous. Because I’m leaving myself (and, sometimes more tragically, others) unprotected.

That’s why the wisdom in Proverbs regarding gossip is so accurate. And necessary for full, sane living and loving.

“He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.” – Prov. 13:3 (NIV)

“A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.” – Prov. 20:19 (NIV)

I read these and I get kind of chill-ish because I have rich history of talking too much and speaking rashly — and have full capability to do so again — yet, the consequences are so painful. Betrayal of a confidant and ruin. Man…not worth it.

Many people like myself get away with gossip far more than I’m confronted by it from the person/people I exposed. But that’s on the outside.

On the inside, I’m missing things. I’m jumpy and insecure because I could have said something that was legitimately hurtful to someone, and it’s totally possible at any point that information will circle back to me, painfully. And on the inside, I’m not trusting that God is bigger and more real than my desire to share someone else’s business. Which certainly isn’t pouring life into me. It’s ruining things. If not now, certainly down the road.

I’m grateful for the gifts the Holy Spirit gives those who listen to him, so we can avoid those paths. So we can encourage confidence and pour life into relationships and hearts (including our own), rather than tear relationships apart and blow up life.

It’ll be a great day (and I fully expect it will come) when I can receive a “Can I call you quick?” text from a friend and not want to throw up. Because I’m choosing to love well, mind my own business and lack nothing.