“Can we talk?”

“Call me when you get a minute.”

“I need to chat with you about something.”

It’s probably the case in countless forms of relationships, but in my particular industry–where people talk…a lot–if you want to get someone’s heart rate up to P90X levels immediately, you send them a text or an email with one of those lines above.

If it’s a mystery why receiving an ambiguous message like, “We need to talk” from anyone your in relatively close association with is even slightly stomach-turning, 1) I wish I was you; and 2) this particular post might hold little relevance to you.

But I have to believe 95…97% of humans in modern western society can attest that the impulse evaluation that runs through our heads upon reception of that message (after “Crap.”) is: “What did I say?”and “Who did I say it to?”

I tend to default to a guilty conscience in these situations. Why? Because I know my heart. And my heart is deceitful above all things and it convinces me more than I’d like to admit that talking about so-and-so’s job loss or revolting breath will serve beneficial to me.

A couple of days ago, a good friend of mine had a great dialogue where some super-healthy confrontation (I Cor. 13:6-7) and confession (James 1:9) was involved. I shared with him an observation that there comes a point in almost every conversation where someone’s name is brought up in the form of some kind of judgement. Sometimes passive observation. Sometimes fairly harsh judgement. But what I realized over time is that: A) I didn’t like the way I felt about myself after those conversations; and B) I felt unsafe being 100% transparent and myself with him because, if we’re talking about everyone else, what’s stopping him from talking about me to others (and vice versa)?

I often share with others that no one ever walks away from a gossip feeling good. No one walks away from a person who’s spreading poison about someone else (and if it’s any content that shed anything but positive light on the person being discussed–especially when they’re not present in the conversation–it IS poison), and thinks “I’m really encouraged by that conversation.”

I had a revelation that my motive for habitually bringing up other’s business with my friend ultimately came down to this: I didn’t feel like I had anything else of value to bring to the table for him. I lacked the creativity, the gumption, the thoughtfulness to offer seed into the relationship that could grow good fruit.

There’s a 3×5 note card on my desk that outlines some of my favorite scripture, 1 Thessalonians 4:9-12:

Love one another.
Aspire to lead a quiet life.
Mind my own business.
Work with my own hands.
This leads me to lack nothing!

The charge? Love each other.

The tactics involved? Live quietly and peacefully. Mind my own business. Deal with my own work, with my own hands.

The result? I’ve got all of what I need. No lack of self-worth. No lack of a sense of approval/desirability. No lack of clarity. No lack of purpose–in conversation, in direction, in relationship.

I read this note card at my desk every day and often think through these objectives. And still, I sometimes fall into the slippery slope of unlovingly not minding my own business that plays, I think, a significant role in slowly eroding a relationship that leaves much to be desired over time.

It was such a relief to have that conversation with my friend; getting it out into the open and growing with him rather than staying stagnant, or worse, kind of decaying.

***There’s lots I want to say about aspiring to lead a quiet life. For instance, how social media is often essentially the opposite of this aspiration. But that’s a big rabbit trail that deserves it’s own highway/post.***

Another friend of mine who’s a writer has a great tendency to explore words and dig deeper into their definitions, so I suppose that habit is rubbing off on me because I wanted to look up the actual definition of “minding my own business.” Particularly, the word “mind”:

Mind: to regard as important; to feel concern about; be obedient to

Minding my own business is to be obedient to MY business. To feel concern about MY business. To regard MY OWN business as important.

When I’m not being obedient to my own business because I’m being obedient (a slave?) to someone else’s business, things get…out of control. And when I’m out of control, that’s why I get nervous. Because I’m leaving myself (and, sometimes more tragically, others) unprotected.

That’s why the wisdom in Proverbs regarding gossip is so accurate. And necessary for full, sane living and loving.

“He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.” – Prov. 13:3 (NIV)

“A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.” – Prov. 20:19 (NIV)

I read these and I get kind of chill-ish because I have rich history of talking too much and speaking rashly — and have full capability to do so again — yet, the consequences are so painful. Betrayal of a confidant and ruin. Man…not worth it.

Many people like myself get away with gossip far more than I’m confronted by it from the person/people I exposed. But that’s on the outside.

On the inside, I’m missing things. I’m jumpy and insecure because I could have said something that was legitimately hurtful to someone, and it’s totally possible at any point that information will circle back to me, painfully. And on the inside, I’m not trusting that God is bigger and more real than my desire to share someone else’s business. Which certainly isn’t pouring life into me. It’s ruining things. If not now, certainly down the road.

I’m grateful for the gifts the Holy Spirit gives those who listen to him, so we can avoid those paths. So we can encourage confidence and pour life into relationships and hearts (including our own), rather than tear relationships apart and blow up life.

It’ll be a great day (and I fully expect it will come) when I can receive a “Can I call you quick?” text from a friend and not want to throw up. Because I’m choosing to love well, mind my own business and lack nothing.