Sometimes I just need to get out of the house.

I work here.

I sleep here.

A little more than half of my day-to-day life, I’m alone here. 

There’s plenty of food in the kitchen; but tonight, after a particularly tough day of (mostly) self-imposed frustrations, I needed to buy dinner…away. 

About two miles up the road, en route to my still-undecided-upon destination, I took a deep breath and exhaled aloud “What is wrong with me?” under the noisy guitar riff of a Colony House song playing through my stereo. I said what I said. But what I really wanted to know was, “What is going on with me?” Academically, I’m aware nothing about me is wrong.  I have an arsenal of affirming scripture handy for that thought: I am complete in Christ (Col. 2:10). I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins (Col. 1:14). I am free forever from condemnation (Romans 8:1,2), et al. 

What’s going on with me, though, is…I get stuck. So stuck that it’s hard to even know what to type next to start hashing it all out. (Which is what all of this is right now…me and God hashing things out) 

***Just returned from a 15-minute social media space-out, which was actually 45 minutes***

I’ve been “stuck” most of today, and it’s draining. “It” affects (infects?) my mood, my conversations, my perception and my hopes. And because, again, academically I know what’s True (Rom. 5:2), it’s a complete waste of time on so many levels. Wasted fruitful, encouraging conversations. Wasted opportunities to find the good in things. Wasted time spent dwelling on stuff that doesn’t eternally matter. I get stuck because I become convinced life is happening in a way that I wish it wouldn’t. My life and all of its purpose therein is on this course for great things, yet I keep errantly veering off over the median and getting lost in a sea of angry oncoming traffic. It’s difficult to maneuver back into the correct lane when my energy and focus become so set on avoiding painful encounters in the wrong/counter-productive place I’ve wandered into. 

What’s this wrong “it” lane look like? For example:

• I need to make myself more desirable, so I need to perform better and do more significant things
• They don’t seem to acknowledge me or my needs, so I need to perform better and do more significant things
• I’m an uncomfortable person to be around, so maybe I should just create distance between us
• They aren’t able to connect well with me, so maybe I should just create distance between us

Of course, the “right” lane directing anyone through their life’s divine purpose isn’t easy, either. Especially for anyone choosing to follow Christ (Matthew 7:14). The tough part — the part where I get stuck — is in that moment when the oncoming traffic (and all of its distractions) becomes more real than the prospect of getting back onto the course I know I’m supposed to travel. 

I’ve taken this analogy about as far as it can go, so I’ll say it this way.

I work in the music industry and, as nature would have it, I was born with an ego. It’s a tall order to be any part of the entertainment industry and regularly defy the lower-case god of acknowledgement, significance and approval. Especially when my specific job is marketing and promotion. MY JOB IS TO GET PEOPLE’S ATTENTION AND THEN GET THEM TO LIKE ME AND THEN GET THEM TO THINK THAT WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER IS SPECIAL. For real, God? I mean, I like what I do. But how interesting is it that every day, I sit down at my desk, pick up the phone, send emails and face the biggest battle of my life. To live out and project to others the grace found in an identity cemented in Christ, rather than live and die by the moment, depending on how desirable a person or circumstance makes me feel. 

But, man, how often do I find myself stuck an internal battle between who God says I am and the much-more-real-in-the-moment lie of what it seems like the world is saying about me — or what I’M saying about me? Literally? Every day. Every day I’m stepping up to the plate against “it.” It doesn’t help that I’m a recovering over-thinker. A friend of mine suggested this morning that I might be more fine than I think I am, but I analyze my way out of “average life” and make matters in my head unnecessarily worse. This insight is by no stretch ridiculous. I’m sure that’s another post in itself, later on. 

Some might suggest I seek out another type of career path, considering what I’m up constantly up against in my heart and mind. I’m up for anything, if it’s clear this isn’t working. But there’s something clearly at work in my heart here and moving into something else right now as I work through all of this feels like…fleeing. I’d like to face this and experience victory, which looks to me like a lot of God’s demonstrated glory. I’d like to snap out of “it” on a daily basis. So much so that “it” is more like an annoying gnat to swat out of my face, not four lanes of oncoming semi-trucks.  I’d like to experience (many, long) moments when “it” isn’t even a factor because my purpose is more clear and real than any perceived rejection or failure.

If “it” takes me to a place that’s the opposite of God’s best for me, and God is love (I John 4:8), then I can be assured that particular path is going to be impatient, rude, self-serving, proud, easily angered and despairing (I Cor. 13:4-7), to name a few. Today — many days — I get mixed up in all of that. There isn’t a neat bow to put at the end of this post, necessarily, but I do know that writing this stuff out helps me gain a more Centered, purposeful outlook on where I have to believe God is taking me. And although other things might seem more real than His Truth at times, I have to believe that will change as I stay focused on the path He has me on. 

Which, interestingly, makes James 1:4, a verse that’s been my go-to for most of the past year, so fitting right about now:

“Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”